forelskets

this week started as such a blur. sunday never really started, it was more of a prolonged saturday. i drove home at 7am, and watched as a car pulled up to open the gas station. 28 hours ago i was sleeping, and now i felt like i was sleepwalking. monday afternoon the sirens went off and the town braced itself, omniscient of what just happened. at the same gas station, people screamed in a primal sort of way, and crumpled to the ground, clinging to each other. tuesday i went to my grandpa's funeral, and i cried for someone other than my grandpa as i watched him be lowered in the ground. wednesday they announced the viewing and funeral dates. to

as far as significant accomplishments and life lessons, 2012 doesn't have a whole lot of them. which is really sad. basically all i did all year was willingly withdraw from my friends, maintain 2 places of employment, study hours on end, and spend loads of money online shopping. yup good things that happened? i went camping in minnesota and slept in a tent with zach, and went swimming in the mornings and fishing in the evenings, and saw a family of loons and ate fried fish and drank cold beer. i met his friends for the first time, and was scared and laughed a lot, and for the first time in a long time, felt extraordinarily insecure with my

there's stand-still moments when life hiccups and everything pauses to wait. then there's lives that precariously balance in limbo as people and events blur past, and nothing can touch you anymore. you drift through tearful confessions and throat-scratching arguments and feel nothing, not even the warmth of the body that has and will always be there. anything that was once important to you becomes a weight, and you wish for the strength to leave it all behind, to know yourself as a stranger that you will never acquaint. i pray often.